Good morning, Five Minute Families. It is holiday season as we write this. Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Year’s. Numerous work events, family gatherings, and community parties get added into most of our already busy schedules. Stress hits its highest for many folks this time of year. And, many of us begin to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or downright angry.

Thankfully, our society has come to accept healthy demonstrations of emotions much better than it has in history. However, with the rise of social media and the endless news cycle, unhealthy and maladaptive forms of emotional demonstration have become news and viral fodder. If someone gets fame for bad behavior, they have received reinforcement to behave badly.

The same holds true in our homes. If we allow the person in the family who demonstrates their negative emotions in controlling, angry, or destructive ways – whether that is the patriarch or the toddler, to control the emotional environment, we are all doomed to get-togethers of misery – anxiety, walking on eggshells, feeling unheard or controlled, the list goes on.

A family must learn to identify the emotions being felt AND learn how to communicate them in healthy, relationship building ways – yes, even the bad ones. This needs to start young if possible. In fact, as I sat down to write this evening, I just heard our son say to his very young daughter, “It’s ok to have big feelings, but you can’t act like that. You have to control yourself.” She didn’t want to eat her veggie pouch of baby food. She wanted her fruit pouch. But, by lovingly identifying the emotions she was feeling AND validating those emotions, he guided her to calm down and behave in a manner that would keep harmony despite her lack of desire to eat her veggies.

As our kids grow, this scenario plays out again and again. Our nine-year-old was upset thinking someone had thrown away his dessert that he hadn’t finished. His over-the-top demonstration of his anger and frustration did not get him any closer to eating the dessert. He was disappointed. He yelled about stubbing his toe, he angrily asked everyone where his dessert was. And, ultimately, his bad behavior cost him his ability to eat his dessert when he desired.

Five-minute parents, the same is true for us. How often are we frustrated by the extended family member who has spent a lifetime turning themselves into the victim of every real or perceived conflict. It is exhausting. It is defeating. How do we have a conversation with that person, especially when our emotions are big? Well, just like the kiddos, it is ok to have big emotions, but we have to learn how to communicate our needs in calm, healthy ways. And, sometimes, we have to realize that, no, that person may not ever change. But, we can’t let their victim mentality and inability to see the hurts and disappointments they have created to control the entire family narrative. Will it serve any good or godly purpose to confront the person at this time about their bad behavior, or will we just be heaping our own bad behavior on top? (and, incidentally, if the emotionally unhealthy person likes playing the victim, they will just feel more victimized and a perpetual cycle is established.

Yet, we know that expressing our emotions can have both mental and physical health benefits. So, we have to learn that demonstrating our emotions does not need to be slamming a door, screaming out, or talking to someone. Expressing our emotions can happen entirely in our minds in a healthy and adaptive ways in which we acknowledge their existence and make an intentional choice to respond in godly ways.

The Kansas City Heath System website explained that acknowledging our emotions can:

Help us see problems in a new light

Make decision-making and problem-solving easier

Allow us to rid ourselves of the power of the feeling and bring control of our response

Reduce anxiety

and Ease depression

It continues, “When we fail to express our emotions, our brain can often go into the fight-or-flight state. This is a physical reaction to stress that sets off a chain of events throughout our bodies. It increases our heart rate, slows digestive functions and makes us feel anxious or depressed.”

Proverbs 29:11 reminds us that “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person holds it in check.” And, Proverbs 15:18 says also, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but one slow to anger calms strife.” 2 Timothy 1:7 states it this way, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” Some versions say “power and love and self-control”

Five-minute families, we encourage you to recognize that IT IS OK TO HAVE BIG FEELINGS, but it truly is what we do with those feelings that matters. Will a demonstration of your anger (or whatever feeling you are having in that moment) will that demonstration serve God and build up your family member?

May God guide you as your family works to honor him with your emotional acceptance and expressions this coming year. Be blessed!