TRANSCRIPT: Good morning, Five Minute Families! So, a very important question here less than two weeks before Christmas… does your family write out Christmas gift lists to share with each other? We’re not talking about the letters to Santa for the younger kids, though that is an element, but an actual Christmas list for each member of the family, no matter the age?

One family I knew had each person write a list and then everyone in the family and extended family choose something directly from the list. No surprises, just exactly what you wanted. Another family I know, drops hints all year long and each hopes to be pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning. In fact, our family has never done a Christmas list of any sort, but a post and thread on Reddit made me start wondering if that was the best practice we could use, since we have had some disappoints through the years, by both the giver and the receiver.

Here is a lightly paraphrased summary of one part of that Reddit thread:

“Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get ‘no’ for an answer. This is Ask Culture. In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or someone is simply being polite; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you’re a Guess Culture person, then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you’re likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated. If you’re an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people — ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signaling techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and subculture, the more you’ll have to embrace Ask behavior.”

There are, of course, other words than ‘ask’ or ‘guess’ that can be used: passive, assertive, forceful, or even passion aggressive. Jim used the word assertive as the most positive behavior in handling personal needs or wants, though I personally have a negative connotation with that word. He considers it to mean ‘self-confidence’ whereas I think of it as ‘insistent’; both of which can be synonyms for assertive. But, no matter what words you are most familiar with, let us ask you:

Do you have a ‘guess’ or an ‘ask’ family culture? Often, there is a family culture of one or the other, but sometimes one person is out of sync with the rest. Is one person more of an ask person in a culture of guessing? Or, the opposite: is one of you a guesser in a culture of askers?

For example, if mom is a guesser who never wants to say no and dad is an asker, the kids may learn how to play mom and dad off each other. In a family of guessers, if an ‘ask’ child comes along, the parents may feel disrespected and unable to just “surprise” them. Sometimes, someone from a family of guessers may not be able to easily articulate what he wants – even in something as simple as what to drink when asked during a visit.

So, five suggestions for bridging the guess versus ask gap:

1. If you are an asker, start with, “I need to ask you something, please feel free to say no. You don’t need to give me a reason, and I won’t be angry or upset.”
2. If you are a guesser, learn how to say no and learn how to accept no.
3. If you are an asker, make your requests reasonable.
4. If you are a guesser, don’t pile on reasons or expect the other person to pile on reasons for their request.
5. No matter which you are, be honest and kind. In the case of you parents, make sure you realize your spouse’s family of origin when there is a communication conflict.

As always, remember to take each other’s needs into account. By the way, you don’t have to guess around us… we are thankful for your listening and we ASK that you head over to our blog or facebook page and drop us a comment so that we know what you think about the Five Minute Family. Drop us that comment at clearviewretreat.org or on our Clear View Retreat facebook page. Have a great week and be blessed!