Good morning, five minute families. We all face devastation at some point in our lives. It can be the death of someone we love; it can be the loss of a job; devastation can come in the form of a natural disaster and in so many other ways. What should we do when we or someone in our family faces a season of devastation?

Before we discuss five ideas for helping one another, please remember that not everyone in the family faces the level of devastation from the same event. Of course, sometimes, the devastating event only happened to one member of the family, but as we work together as a unit, we are each impacted by those things that impact another. Sometimes, when devastation is an individual event, the individual thinks they must get through the following consequences and emotions on their own. Others may think their family is re-sponsible to help them in an almost entitled way. We must recognize the differences of impact while not isolating ourselves or our loved one in the process.

When our fifth son died, our whole family experienced the same event, and yet, Jedidiah’s death impacted each of us quite differently. One son was going through a time of bullying, but he didn’t want to burden us with his concerns because of the pain he could see etched on our faces. He didn’t resent his baby brother, but he was struggling because he knew that his baby brother’s death had forever changed our family dynamic and thus our family identity. One son had been in the room when we received Jedi’s ashes. He be-came angry and acted out but couldn’t communicate why. Our youngest son lost not just a sibling but the opportunity to become a big brother; he was so looking forward to becoming more like his own big brothers in that way.

Jim dove even more deeply into God’s Word. He had already not missed a day of Bible reading in I don’t know how long, but he become protective of his time with God. I couldn’t. I wanted to be calm and kind to our living children, but everything upset me. I didn’t know why God would allow such devastation into our lives, so when I did try to read His word or praise Him in worship, it usually ended in extreme anger. I found that I couldn’t even pray. My last prayer before Jedidiah died was that the Lord would take Him so that he wouldn’t suffer anymore. His very next apnea episode was his last. He died in my arms, the fear radiating from his eyes into my soul.

Five of the takeaways we learned from that season of mourning and grieving were:

First, acknowledge your own and others’ emotions. Hiding them away won’t help and pretending that you feel what someone else does because you think that is what they need won’t help either. Remember, anger is usually about something deeper. And, a lack of tears does not mean someone isn’t hurting. Share honestly and listen nonjudgmental-ly.

Take care of yourself when you can. When you have the energy or ability to take steps forward in physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, do so. Even baby steps will help you face each new day.

Let others take care of you when you can’t. As we mentioned in our shared story, some-times a loved one is in a place of loathing or depression or something else that does not allow them to do what they ought. In some cases, take a plate of food for them if your loved one isn’t eating. Don’t admonish them if they only take one bite. Keep bringing the food. And, for those of you not caring for yourself, take a bite. If you can’t do more, just take the first bite.

Try not to make other major life changes that are not absolutely necessary at this time. A family we knew wanted to sell their house where their daughter died immediately after her death. Everyone recommended they wait one year. The mom told me she wouldn’t change her mind. They still live in that home. The memories that she thought would drive her crazy have become sweet reminders of love and joy.

Be patient with one another. It can be hard if one member of the family handles a devastating event better than another. Jim didn’t judge my lack of drawing closer to God or not crying out to Him about this sinful fallen world. He prayed for me; he asked our friends to pray for me. He asked our kids to pray for me. He patiently waited until the Holy Spirit could reach the walled off parts of my heart and mind.

Five minute families, hold tight to Psalm 34:18 in periods of devastation: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” And remember Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Thank you for listening. Be blessed!